Sunday, 3 May 2009

Mars and Venus on the beach

Yesterday, we made the most of this glorious early summer and went to the beach. There, with the aid of new £3.99 darker than dark sunglasses, I was able to study the habits of the male and female of the human race when partially clothed. My findings are as follows...
Slightly Overweight Woman (SOW), when swimsuit clad, behaves in a rather covert way, slinking down to the water's edge, with sarong or towel wrapped around her which she discards at the last minute, hurling herself into the waves at top speed in order to prevent any glimpse of dimpled thighs. SOW on the beach only really relaxes when lying prone on back - hence illusion of flat stomach. Although she then has problem of bosoms intent on escaping off chest and hiding in armpits. SOW frequently attempts to remedy this by propping herself up on elbows and raising upper torso, which has effect of restoring boobs to rightful position. (Sadly, difficult to hold for longer than a few minutes due to neck spasm.)
The behaviour of Terribly Overweight Man (TOM), couldn’t be more different. TOM arrives on beach sporting huge baggy shorts, waistband perched precariously just below start of bum divide at back and just above penis at front. Top half is clad in small slightly grubby white vest, parted from waistband of shorts by about eighteen inches of bulging beer belly. (Tattoos may or may not be present). TOM then selects a spot on beach, arranges towel and beer cans, and proceeds to spend a few minutes eyeing up the selection of female bodies around him - all the while stroking belly rhythmically. Finally peels off vest garment and stands looking around for another few minutes. More stroking. Catches eye of young bikini clad girl and winks lasciviously. Divests himself of large shorts, by dint of a casual wiggle - which easily persuades them to relinquish their half hearted grip on groin area, revealing tiny purple/luminous green nylon swimming trunks. These, it is immediately obvious, conceal extremely small genitals. Adjusts penis and testicles carefully, looking down trunks to check all is well, and swaggers down to water's edge. More stroking and more looking around, in hope of catching eye of any passing attractive women - all of whom will, he is confident, find him irresistible.
TOM does not however enter the water, but contents himself with kicking water in small child's face, and swaggers back to towel, stroking all the while. Takes huge swig of beer and flops down onto front - having first scooped out hole for belly to comfortably rest in. Snores for two hours and on waking, doesn't mind in the least that skin has turned unattractive shade of puce, since feels that this only enhances his appeal to the opposite sex – and knows that suncream is for girls and poofs.

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